The first thing I did to change my situation was to accept my pain and my body as it is. Obviously, the pain wasn’t going to change other than fluctuate between tolerable and worse so I had to change how it affected me. Acceptance was my first step. Love me for who I am – the perfections and the imperfections. This took me about five minutes.
I said aloud to myself, “This is the body you were given. It can be a blessing or a curse. It’s up to me. {After several minutes} I choose blessing.” And, oddly, I smiled.
The next step took a bit longer and was much more challenging. As stated earlier during my ER trip, I had to change my way of thinking when the pain became less tolerable or I couldn’t do the activities I wanted to do. When those times came, my thinking process switched to a more positive way of thinking. Some of the things I thought about included:
• What are God’s plans for me?
• If I thought of myself as weak and in pain, that was how I was going to feel.
• How did He want me to raise my children?
• Did it scare my children to see me this way?
• What did He want me to learn and reflect on during these moments
of weakness?
• Was He strengthening me for future events?
• He would not abandon me during this moment, so I had to be more trusting of Him.
As time went on, it became more often than not that I would be smiling when the pain passed.
During one instance when the burning in my upper leg seemed to be too much to bear and I had been in excruciating pain for hours, I had fallen on the stairs on the way to my room. I was screaming in pain, tears soaking my. I cried out in my head and my heart, “LORD, PLEASE HELP ME! I SURRENDER MY PAIN TO YOU! I DO NOT ASK FOR YOU TO TAKE THE PAIN, BUT PLEASE TELL ME HOW YOU WANT ME TO USE IT FOR YOUR GLORY!” In that moment, in that very instant, my thinking switched to God’s love for me and how through His love for me that I would pull through the pain. I knew that this pain was but a small blip in His larger plans for me. That one day I would be thankful to have experienced this pain so as to grow from it in some way. It was not clear to me at that moment, but I knew His plans would be revealed in time, when it was right.
A surge of warmth passed over me and it felt so loving. It wrapped my heart, body, and spirit lifting me from the depths of despair and brokenness carrying me into the rays of strength and encouragement.
I started smiling through grit teeth while the tears streamed down my face. This is what the warmth of strength felt like. Oh my, it felt wonderful!
Then the pain was gone. Just as fast as it overcame me and left me crippled on the floor, it was gone. It was a small miracle that only I experienced and will always cherish.
My mental approach to my pain could not be my only tool against Fibromyalgia. My other tools were building a support system and treating the pain through natural treatments.
Building a support system was also difficult for me. This meant talking to my family and friends about the extent of my pain and condition. Not an easy task. It meant admitting my limits and saying I’m not okay as I had seemed to be. It was saying that I, too, become weak at times and often times need support. It was swallowing my pride and tearing down the wall of perfection I had meticulously built around me. It meant showing others the real me – the flaws, the weaknesses, the limitations, yes, but the strength, too. How freeing!
Thankfully, God has blessed me with amazing family and friends. From my husband to mom to sister, each person makes me feel loved and supported. I do not feel ashamed to say, “I cannot do that today” or “I am not feeling well right now”. It is amazing and I could not ask for more from any of them.
The natural treatments have helped tremendously with the physical pain. My daily natural regiment includes:
• Avoiding sweets, dairy, high starches, tomatoes, beans, and greasy foods.
• Avoiding caffeine other than my four ounces of coffee each morning.
• Two ounces of tart cherry juice twice a day to help with the pain.
• I regularly eat pineapple and also make my smoothies with pineapple juice instead of yogurt
or milk to help with inflammation.
• 400 mg of magnesium each morning
• 1000 mg of Vitamin C each evening
• Two gummy multi-vitamins each day with my kids (helps with the sweet cravings)
• Full 8 ounces of water throughout each day
• Going to bed around the same time each night and waking around the same time
each morning (no matter the pain levels)
• Not allowing any electronics, arguments, or negative energy in my
bedroom ~ (under any circumstance)
• Daily devotionals with a concentration on Jesus’ words
• Breathing exercises
Here it is a year later and I have yet to revisit those feelings of the past. The sun shines most days with a cloud here and there, but those pits and walls stay at bay. On the days that the sun is not shining, I just remind myself that the sun is constant though I may not always be able to see it. I have to push those clouds to the side with thoughts of positivity, encouragement, and the warmth of the light that I know is there.
About Brandi Clevinger: "I’m Brandi, follower of Christ, wife to an amazing, supportive husband, blessed mother to four sweet children, and fellow spoonie. After many years of struggling with body aches, joint stiffness, severe back spasms, seasonal depression, sensory sensitivities and other various ailments, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and chronic pain. In Winter 2012, I started on my way to becoming well again and regaining a ‘normal’ life. Through my journey, I have learned that living with Fibromyalgia and chronic pain does not have to be merely surviving life, but thriving it! Being the Imperfect Mom not only gives you the resources needed to understand Fibromyalgia and chronic pain, but also how to cope with those crazy kid days, unexpected flare ups, and unpredictable emotional days."
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