Seeking Light in the Dark ~ Part One by Brandi Clevinger

As I type these words, my children are playing in the background, my husband is writing a paper, and I could not feel happier than I do right now. 

It’s Saturday, so my husband and I slept until our two youngest children came pouncing across our bed to bless us with their sounds of laughter and beautiful smiling faces. The tickle monster (my husband) made an appearance and ‘attacked’ them producing louder squeals of joy and laughter.

After they left our room venturing downstairs to watch cartoons, my husband and I had a few minutes of intimacy before joining our children. Once in the kitchen, I made a wholesome Southern breakfast of made-from-scratch biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs, and homemade oatmeal. We gathered in the living room and ate while enjoying a classic show of Spongebob Squarepants (Plankton was trying to steal that darn krabby patty again!). When our plates were just short of licked clean and no room in our bellies, the children darted outside to play, my husband started his school work, and I decided to work on this article.

It paints a picture perfect family. It’s not. 

It’s as though I live a ‘normal’ life free of pain, depression, and anxiety. I don’t. 

It appears the sun is always shining, clouds are never over my head, and the walls never close in on me. Not true.

To be honest, less than twelve hours ago I was in a ball on the living room couch crying from the pain in my back, knees, legs, and feet. Depression and anxiety were creeping in on me like a predator stalking its prey. At any moment I could be devoured by it, consumed by the darkness. 

So how did I go from that broken ball of helplessness to June Cleaver in twelve hours? 

I have Fibromyalgia and live with chronic pain. I am in constant pain each and every day. There is never a period of time that there isn't something hurting – back, leg, stomach, knee, head, the list goes on. I have experienced the darkest of days and the endless days of hopelessness. There were times I thought I would be consumed by the very walls that surrounded me. It was as though as I was at the bottom of a pit enclosed by darkness and nothingness with no route of escape. 

During those moments I wanted to be anywhere but right there in that state. The sun is where I longed to be. To bask in the warm rays of sun that only happy people seemed to experience – that is what I yearned for. I wanted to push back the suffocating walls with strength and confidence. I wanted to crawl out of the pit of despair on the staircase of hope and lie in the green grass soaking up the warmth, the light, and the vastness.

Yep, that is where I wanted to be. And I was determined to get there. I didn't know how. I didn't know with what strength. All I knew is that the sun would shine on me again and hug me with the warmth that I have been deprived of for so long.


After a trip to the emergency room earlier in the year, I reached my breaking point with negativity associated with my pain. I was going to enjoy the sunshine and I was ready to take those steps on a new path filled with light and positivity. I was no longer going to just be smiling through the pain. I was going to truly feel the happiness, too!

* Continued in Part Two 

About Brandi Clevinger:
"I’m Brandi, follower of Christ, wife to an amazing, supportive husband, blessed mother to four sweet children, and fellow spoonie. After many years of struggling with body aches, joint stiffness, severe back spasms, seasonal depression, sensory sensitivities and other various ailments, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and chronic pain. In Winter 2012, I started on my way to becoming well again and regaining a ‘normal’ life. Through my journey, I have learned that living with Fibromyalgia and chronic pain does not have to be merely surviving life, but thriving it! Being the Imperfect Mom not only gives you the resources needed to understand Fibromyalgia and chronic pain, but also how to cope with those crazy kid days, unexpected flare ups, and unpredictable emotional days."