Unexpected Lessons From My Teens ~ What Have I Really Been Modeling While Being Strong Through Chronic Pain?

Photo by K Noland of Ft. Myers FL

I feel like I have limped my way through the last 11 years. I have allowed my health and feelings to dictate my days. I have quietly pushed too hard and then suffered in relative silence. I was trying to be so strong. I had this life altering experience with my health and medications with awful side effects while I was helping to raise 2 little girls. I didn't have anyone to talk to. So, I started talking to myself.

At first, I was encouraging and then, when I didn't heal as I should have, I got frustrated with myself. A few more surgeries, more meds, more pain, and less healing lead to feeling pretty bad about myself as a woman and as a mother. Most of the time, I just hurt and wanted to be left alone. You can't really hide from those you are caring for. Believe me, when they are hungry, they come looking for you!

I had this idea that I had to do everything...AND do it perfectly. I had this picture in my mind of how my mother was and all of the things I wanted to do the same or differently. I kept thinking that I would have plenty of time to care for myself after the kids left home. So, I always put myself last or not at all. I couldn't wrap my mind around the knowledge that the picture that I had in my head and the reality of actually achieving it were way off. The very idea of perfection is ludicrous to begin with but add surgeries and chronic pain and now it is just plain insane!

I have always been a fierce advocate for my children; especially, when they speak negatively about themselves. I encourage them to give things their all so they will have no regrets. I hear myself talking to my girls, loving them and trying to guide them along through the years to be strong, confident, and capable young women. I think about their futures and wonder about them being wives and mothers raising their kids. I stopped dead in my tracks when my oldest turned to me one night while she was clearing the dinner dishes and said, "I am not going to spoil my kids the way you spoil me". I nearly choked. I happened to find this hilarious and laughed hysterically; considering that she is the one who is always asking someone to do something for her (insert eye roll here!). But, it really got me thinking.

I started to wonder, what was I teaching my kids about being a woman and a mother? Uh oh... I didn't want my kids thinking that they had to do everything perfectly. I didn't want them to work as hard as I did. Suddenly, it hit me that my own behavior, and trying to be so strong, might have actually modeled the exact opposite of what I have been trying to instill in them. Here comes the “face palm” moment:

My oldest has P.O.T.S. (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome - which is an autonomic syndrome that affects BP and heart rate). We don't know if this will get worse with age. I don't know what kind of trials she will face in her life. I am constantly in her ear telling her to take care of herself. Um, yeah... I haven't been any kind of role model for that. This is about the time that I hung my head and started doing some heavy thinking.

My husband and I have always talked to our kids about going to college. Based on the careers they have talked about, college is the only way to make those dreams come true. My husband would always tell them, “Do what you love”. My oldest has wanted to be a marine biologist and train dolphins since she was 5 years old. She kept thinking that she had plenty of time, until she took the SATs a few months ago. Now, with graduation looming in less than a year, she is feeling a bit rushed to make important choices quickly. I find myself reassuring her and telling her to trust her own judgment about what she wants for her life. I want her to know that it's ok if she doesn't have it all figured out yet; she just needs to start somewhere. I realized that DANG, I give great advice!! But, why aren't I taking this advice?

All along, I have been thinking that I have so much time. Why? None of us know how long we have here. What makes me so different? I would never speak to my kids the way I have spoken to myself. I would never place the expectations on anyone else that I put on myself. Let alone, someone that I know is in pain and discomfort every day. Every fiber of my being believes in my children and that God will see them through this confusing time of growing up. I have no doubt whatsoever that God has been with me through my time of struggle. So, why should I still be so hard on myself?

This life of mine never had a pause button. My life kept going even though I stopped living as if I mattered. I need to learn to train my inner voice to speak to me as though I am one of my own kids and keep encouraging me to find ways to live fully ~ not just drift from day to day with sporadic bursts of energy and flaring. Maybe I need to mother myself a little!